"I breathe in my power and I exhale my fear"

I hope this story inspires hope this September for Neonatal Intensive Care Awareness (NICA) Month. On the10th of June 2022, at 33 weeks pregnant, first time mother Pippa welcomed her beautiful boy into the world.

*My Story*

At 33 weeks pregnant I woke up with back pain and stomach cramps and decided after taking paracetamol and getting a hot water bottle with little relief I needed to ring the maternity triage.

Being 33 weeks pregnant the midwife didn’t seem too concerned on the phone and advised I should stay at home. As women we know our own bodies and I knew something wasn’t right, so I rang back up and I was advised to make my way in.

I had only just completed my EGG hypnobirthing course with a due date of 26th July so although I had a note of what I had planned to pack in my hospital bag, and what birth preferences I wanted- water birth, delayed cord clamping, my husband to tell me the sex of our baby, breast feeding that is really where I was up to!

During my journey into hospital my pain was increasing, but I had short spells of no pain at all- I was having surges! We got to the triage ward and the atmosphere quickly changed. I was 4cm and therefore in active labour- so at this point there was nothing that could stop the labour.

Being a bit of a control freak and having been over prepared/planned every other life occasion to the inch of its life, panic set in as I was wheeled into the delivery room- I didn’t have my hospital bag packed, my playlist wasn’t complete and the beautiful idea of meeting my baby for the first time and how it would be was now filled with worry- the opposite of what I had planned and wished for.

At that moment of self doubt and worry I closed my eyes and brought myself back to my hypnobirthing course-of course...

" I am in control- this is my body and I am about to birth my baby!"

*I breathe in my power and I exhale my fear*

No, I wasn’t wearing the right pjs, I didn’t have my hospital bag with me and the water birth I had hoped for went out the window, but what I got in an emergency delivery was a team that listened to my wishes- delayed cord clamping, my husband got to tell me that we had a beautiful baby boy and I got a very short moment of skin to skin before Louis was taken to the neonatal ward.

Now I’ve had time to process the delivery- do I greave my delivery? At times yes, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t- I wish I carried my baby full term, I didn’t have the golden hour that I had planned for, I greave that I didn’t do his first nappy change and I wasn’t able to pick him up out of his incubator when he cried straight away …and then I close my eyes and go straight back to what Elle taught me…

* I breathe in my power and exhale my fear*

And I remember that I am a powerful mother who birthed an even more powerful baby! And you know what it’s taught me that life doesn’t always go exactly the way we plan- but preparation for birth is key and the EGG course allowed me to understand my rights and wishes, how to voice them and identify what are still feasible in an emergency delivery which helped me to deal with the birth postnatally. I really don’t think I would have looked at the emergency situation in such a positive light before this course.

I’m not the first mum to have a preterm baby, and I definitely won’t be the last- but completing this course helped me emotionally and psychologically both pre and postnatally. It allowed me to feel more confident and prepared and also allowed me to come to terms with my emotions after the delivery as I was sat on the neonatal unit nursing my son something I never even imaged the course and Elle would provide.

Being a NICU mum wasn’t easy- but knowing your not alone is half the battle- Elle was there for me every step of the way. Louis was in hospital for 2 and a half weeks and although at times taking Louis home and getting that photo of Adam walking out the hospital doors with Louis in his car seat felt like a million miles away, I would close my eyes and remember what I learnt from my egg course…

* I breathe in my power and exhale my fear*

I write this sat on my couch at home nursing my baby- a baby that never quite latched but is express fed and thriving, never got that golden hour but loves his family, and never come straight home but knows home is where the heart is! I didn’t get chance to put my wedding song on in the delivery room-something I’d planned for but instead he came out to the radio playing “let it go” off frozen and that’s something me and my partner will laugh about forever more!

When I joined our weekly zooms to talk about birth and how to prepare, I didn’t know how much I needed you so thank you a million times over!

"I had gone from 4cm to 10cm in less than an hour"

So at 41 weeks +13 I finally agreed to being induced. I was so against it as in my head it would lead to me having to be put on the drip again which I desperately didn’t want.

We had a really good talk with the consultant about the options after I was examined and told that my cervix was where is should be if I wasn’t pregnant so there was little chance I would go into labour naturally in the next couple of days. J was so confident in asking questions and not just accepting basic answers. He was my advocate as I was so disappointed that my water birth was slipping away, I couldn’t really take in a lot of information. If he hadn’t come to our sessions I don’t think he would’ve had the confidence or the knowledge to the ask the questions he did. We asked for time alone to discuss and decided that the best chance for me to have the birth I wanted was to accept the induction but say I was going home rather than be admitted, which they agreed to. We came home and had a really chilled night. Thankfully I got a good nights sleep and was happy when I started to get pains at around 11am. I was due to go back into hospital at 1.30pm for a second pessary but knew I wouldn’t need this. I started to use the Freya app and by 1pm it was saying I was in established labour. I was using my breathing techniques and keeping active, I called the hospital and they asked me to come back as arranged to be examined.

I went to hospital at 1.30pm and went onto the labour ward to wait to be seen by a doctor. My midwives were wonderful and when I asked them for mats and a ball they were really helpful. I made it clear I wanted to be active and didn’t want to be on the bed. They allowed me to be monitored whilst standing throughout. I carried on with my breathing and constantly rotated my hips. At 4pm a doctor came to examine me and told me I was 4cm dilated, but as I wasn’t ‘behaving’ in a way he would expect of a woman in active labour (as I was managing the contractions with my breathing!!) he wanted me to go on to the induction bay to be monitored and I’d be seen again in 4 hours! When he left I told the midwife that I didn’t think the doctor was right and that I needed to go and sit on the toilet for a while before we left the ward. Things then started to change! I couldn’t get off the toilet as the pressure was so intense. I stayed there for a while and I could feel myself starting to push without actively trying. The midwife knew something had changed because of the noises I was making and told me I had to try to get on the bed to be examined, and true enough I had gone from 4cm to 10cm in less than an hour. I told them I couldn’t stay on the bed and they made the floor comfortable with mats, pads and towels. I gave birth to my 9lb 2oz beautiful boy at 5.40pm on all fours on the floor with my ‘team’ all on the floor with me. I didn’t get my water birth yet again, but I remember every minute as I used only gas and air. We both felt so in control and that was thanks to all we’d learnt in our sessions with you. I knew what my body was doing and why, and I knew when to listen and when not to listen to the advice being given to me. Thank you for everything Elle. I felt like a Boss B! Kate xx

Anna & Martha - "If I could do it all over again I would, it was a life changing experience"

March last year I got the phone call my antenatal classes were all cancelled, panicked and upset I rang Elle. I knew Elle was training to become a Hypnobirthing instructor and thought I could get advice on what to do to help me prepare for birth. Elle was so calm and sweet, she explained that she had nearly completed her course and would love for me to be one of her first to trial EGG out on. I jumped at the chance and said YES!!!

With all the knowledge and guidance Elle had given me and my husband my birth was just magical and I smile as I’m about to tell you my story....

Thursday I went for my midwife appointment I was 40+4 days, I was asked if I would like to come in for a sweep over the weekend if no sign of baby which I declined and then I was told my induction will be booked for the following Thursday which I declined too as I wanted my birth to be as natural as possible and if me and baby are all good then baby will come when their ready. So we both agreed if baby wasn’t here by 41+4 I would have my sweep that day.

That night I went to bed at 10.30pm and mentioned to my husband I just didn’t feel right.

At 2am I woke up and felt the urge to wee as I climbed out of bed my waters broke.

In disbelief I didn’t think it was real, however I could see the clear fluid trickling down my leg.

I woke my husband up excited and nervous after a few minutes of taking in what had just happened we decided to ring the midwife. She said to come in to be checked over to make sure everything was ok.

In hindsight I wish I didn’t ring the midwife so quickly and waited a few hours to see what might of happened as I knew my waters were clear my baby wasn’t in any danger. In my head I thought the quicker I got checked out the quicker I can come home and get back to bed.

I arrived at the birth centre at 2.40am, I had to go in on my own as with COVID rules James wasn’t allowed in until I was in established labour. The midwife was lovely and checked my waters and said everything was fine and I was 1cm dilated. I was to go home get rest and if my contractions had not started I would need to be back at 10.30pm to be induced. This upset me as I really didn’t want to be induced if not needed just yet. The midwife went out to book my induction, I was sat on the bed and had my first surge. I was so excited as I never got Braxton Hicks in the run up, so didn’t know what the feeling was going to be like. When the midwife came back into the room I smiled my contractions have started. She explained to go home take paracetamol and get some rest and see how the rest of the day progresses.

4.30am, I had taken some paracetamol and thought right let’s try and get some sleep, I lasted 15 mins. The surges were making it so uncomfortable for me to be lay down.

I decided to get in the bath, i lit my candles and put on my birth music playlist and got my freya app out to time my surges. I told my husband to stay in bed as there was no point us both up being tired.

The surges were becoming more intense so I started to use my up breathing that I practised with Elle. Between the Freya app counting out for me and the up breathing I really felt in control. At 6am the surges were strong and frequent at this point the Freya app was now telling me I was in established labour.

The bath was becoming uncomfortable and I needed to get out. I found being on all fours on the floor was the most comfortable place to be. My waters had broke some more and was constantly flowing down my leg, I began to feel sick and needed the toilet too, I knew my body was preparing to give birth. I lasted till 8am and knew at this point I needed to go to the hospital. As I rang the midwife, I could barely speak as I was concentrating so much on my breathing and keeping calm , the midwife knew it was time for me to come in.

Due to COVID I had to go into the centre on my own again.

As I staggered into the hospital struggling to walk my husband was parking the car. I was greeted by Jo who was going to be my midwife, she checked me over and said I was 5cm dilated. Elated at the fact, I cried and said is my husband allowed in now.

i found comfort again being on all fours on the bed, I was asked if I would like Gas & Air which I agreed and Jo started to run the bath for me.

My husband started to set the scene, he learnt so much from Elle he felt very prepared and knew what to do and how best to look after me, he dimmed the lights (lucky the centre was brand knew so they had installed twinkly lights in the ceiling which was perfect), my birth playlist was playing through the speakers and my aromatherapy spray was sprayed around the room.

It was time for me to get into the water, the relief of my body floating and the warmth gave a rush of calmness and instant relaxation. I used the gas and air to help me breathe through surges and I found leaning over the bath on the my knees with my legs open to be the best position for me. My husband on hand helped me with water and food when I needed it. I couldn’t speak but my signal of waving and clasping my hand meant I wanted water.

Luckily my husband just instinctively knew what I meant.

Jo was wonderful and had read my birth plan so knew that my husband and I wanted to be left alone unless we needed her.

Jo popped in after a few hours to check on me and baby and make sure we were both ok she knew to check me without asking as I requested this in my notes. Because I had drank so much water and had been in the bath for nearly 4 hours she needed me to try for a wee. Whilst I was on the loo the bath was emptied and refilled with fresh water.

Between the intense surges I was having I could not for the life of me have a wee, I was offered a catheter to relieve my bladder which I agreed.

Whilst Jo did this she was able to do a check to see how dilated I was.

The relief of my bladder being emptied took some of the pressure away in my tummy.

Jo informed me I was 8cm dilated so needed to get back in the water as baby will be here soon.

It was now 1.30pm I’m back in the water concentrating more than ever with my breathing, the gentle movements and swaying in the water helped me to feel relaxed.

After a couple of hours I began to have a wobble, crying for stronger medication and didn’t think I could do this anymore. Luckily my husband and Jo were great they knew I didn’t really want this and it was a sign baby was going to come very soon. They encouraged me to keep going and baby was going to be here before I know it.

All of a sudden I felt my body change I started to make mooing sounds. My up breathing became different so naturally I started to down breath.

It’s crazy how your body knows exactly what to do and in my head I was going with what my body wanted keeping calm and relaxed as much as I could.

I used my positive affirmations to stay in control and give me strength to know I can do this, my body can birth my baby.

I began to breath my baby out.

With knowing this an overwhelming emotion came over me and I began to cry happy tears I’m finally going to meet my baby that I have grown and cared for inside of me. After nearly an hour of gentle down breathing, my baby was born at 4.05pm, Jo passed baby through my legs and on to my chest.

We didn’t know the sex so was a surprise to find out we had a little girl.

The love I had gazing down on this tiny human being we had created, was so overwhelming, it’s a feeling I have never experienced, my heart was made bigger that day.

We stayed in the water whilst we did delayed cord clamping and Martha latched on straight away to my delight.

After 40 minutes I needed to get out the water to deliver my placenta. I chose not to have the injection and to deliver my placenta naturally. This gave James an opportunity to have cuddles and lots of skin to skin.

Once out the water and one little push the placenta came out whole, my midwife then gave me a science lesson and showed me how healthy my placenta was. I then climbed into bed and had lots more skin to skin with Martha who latched on again and feed so easily.

After an hour myself and Martha were checked over. I was lucky to have no tears and just a slight bruise, due to COVID I had to be tested at this point too. Which came back negative the next day. Martha had her NIPE checks and her vitamin K injection.

I managed to have a shower and whilst James got Martha cleaned up and dressed we climbed back into bed to have celebratory Tea and Toast, which was divine and very true what people say it’s the best thing ever!

After 6 hours of Martha being born we were discharged and sent home. The feeling of walking in that day pregnant and walking back out the same day with a baby I was in shock and awe, my little family was now complete.

Thanks to Elle and my midwife I felt in control, knowing the knowledge I learnt, I knew my body was capable and strong to give birth.

The midwife was so good to respect my wishes from my birth notes and was an advocate for Hypnobirthing. She was so impressed with me that she said it was a pleasure to watch such a wonderful birth, seeing Martha being born so calmly and said I had to have a home birth next time.

I wish every woman knew about hypnobirthing, knowledge is power, birth is a wonderful experience and however you birth your baby knowing your options and staying in control you can have a great experience whatever may be.

Elle, I want to say thank you for changing my mindset from being scared and not having a clue to having the knowledge and strength to know I can birth my baby! If I could do it all over again I would, it was a life changing experience that makes me smile from ear to ear talking about how Martha came into this world.